A Lover of Horizons

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May 20th, 2021

And the world again
suddenly worth risking
worth seeing,
worth innocence
worth everything.

My writing dried up recently - except, see: Engineering Splits - and I'm here to explain why. I had health complications. A hernia that I probably attained from CrossFit workouts. I got fevers. I lost 15lbs. I took antibiotics twice, and had invasive procedures to diagnose the issue. It took a few months to figure it all out.

My much idealized girlfriend broke up with me during one of those fevers - before I really understood what was happening. My temperature was 104° F as she said the words, "I'm not excited about our future."

Perfection is a fragile, ice-thin ground
that barely holds our human weight,
one false step and everything cracks

During this time, it felt like foundations of my life's landscape were suddenly shifting.

being left with the dread of sadness and the hollow feeling of unwanted new beginnings

Over the years, I've found resilience through a spiritual practice of letting go. I believe that a paradox of letting someone go healthfully is that the need for them decreases while, simultaneously, love for them increases - love actually being orthogonal to desire. This is true as well for friends.

make deep connections, not deep attachments

It took a while to process everything. But it's not time that heals wounds, it's the courage to move inwards and fully experience the reality. And then to move outwards and join the world again.

Put down the weight of your aloneness and easy into the conversation

I'm happy to say that I'm now in good health. It was depressing to discover though that I may need to stop weightlifting, which I've been doing for a decade, and CrossFit, which has been vital for me the last two years. I need to shed a part of my identity, but this is a good thing - a wise person sheds willingly. I'll just need to find new ways to feel strong.

All of this is part of change, which is life. In the future, CRISPR-based gene-editing will prevent the type of herniation I experienced. We'll be less vulnerable to nature in the short-term, but we ultimately still belong entirely to her. Vulnerability, injury, breakups, breakdowns are all a part of this game we're playing.

Whatever one's theory of the universe, this must be established first of all: I am a part of the Whole which is governed by Nature.

It's time to see new horizons.

how many times has everything
come crashing down and left you feeling
as though the world was over?

now,
how many times
after grieving

have you gotten back up,
embraced the power of your determination
and moved forward into a new life?

  • Quotes are from David White, Aurelius, and Yung Pueblo
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